i'm the monster

[carlyinrome]

Long story short: Leak in the garage turns out to be not just a problem with the toilet in my parents' bathroom, but a problem that has eaten through the wood in that bathroom and in mine. Fast forward to positive tests for scary mold and asbestos, fast forward to workmen removing the toilet in my parents' room and, instead of trashing it, putting it in the shower so the entire bathroom is unusable. Fast forward to the floor in my bathroom being torn out, and both bathrooms sealed off floor to ceiling with heavy duty plastic zipper doors, like behind them lies the gate to the Upside Down. We have one working bathroom, and they've torn up the floor and removed most of the stuff, and they've got two of those huge, noisy, HOT machines in there (it is 86° in my bathroom, and we have to run the AC constantly to keep the whole house from getting that hot.) Both bathrooms are being treated with some toxic chemical, so every time you have to pee, you have to put on one of those SARS masks, and when you get out you have to flush your eyes. And of course this is not only legal but, apparently, standard practice, so this party goes until question mark because insurance will not pay to put us in a hotel.

And now for something completely different.

Seeing the pdoc tomorrow bc the depression is getting worse and scary, and also we need to discuss this Lamictal issue. More updates as events warrant.

And now for something completely different.

Had one of our long, deep, honest talks with Jenny last night. Something happened to her lately that made her believe, to her complete and utter surprise, that she wants to have a baby. She said neither her boyfriend nor her family support her in this, and I told her fuck that, I support you to the end of the line, I will get in my car right now and drive seven hours to start working on the nursery. Then I told her something I mostly keep to myself, that I desperately want to have a baby but can't see that as a possible future, and she said she supports me completely, too, and believes I can do it, and I told her we should do it at the same time and help one another, that my dream is basically just polygamist sister wives without the husband, women living together and helping each other raise their children. It's not a lesbian thing at all. Not even a romantic thing. Just pure, uncomplicated love and community, and I think she didn't take me entirely seriously, which hurt my feelings, but I can't help but want it. I know I'm a complete mess right now and barely able to take care of myself, and it doesn't mean right now, but I'm running out of time, and Jenny believes I can make it work. Apparently there are online sperm banks, and I spent last night searching through donors, which is basically like poking the center of my emotional pain with a hat pin over and over. I am so good for my own mental health. But I need to know: Am I Cam Stuart or Caroline Feller? Before we go any further, I need to know.

Comments

[escritoireazul]

That bathroom situation sounds terrifying.

I saw my psych yesterday. Increased Lamictal, removed Latuda because it was making me sick. Still manic, though not as dangerously manic as I have been for months, so that's a plus. Am exhausted all the time, though, so I think a depression crash is coming.

I told her we should do it at the same time and help one another, that my dream is basically just polygamist sister wives without the husband, women living together and helping each other raise their children. It's not a lesbian thing at all. Not even a romantic thing. Just pure, uncomplicated love and community,

This sounds so glorious and warm and necessary.