the crud (contd) and the crush

[carlyinrome]

I continue to be sick, but I think it's on the way out. (Knock on wood.) I'm dialing back the cold medicine and tolerating it, and my eyes are doing better.

My grandfather gave me some money for Christmas and my birthday, and I decided to use it on something I've wanted a long time: a tablet for arting! Since I basically had to match his money, I thought I was going to have to wait a month or two to get my finances in order to afford it, but I did intensive number crunching this month and figured I could afford it. I am SUPER EXCITED about it; the tablet comes today, although, because I had to order it somewhere else and Amazon Prime shipping apparently means, "whenever the fuck we want" now, I won't have the stylus pen I need to draw until Monday, and no, dad, using my finger will not work the same.

I ordered my tablet on Wednesday when I got my check, and then yesterday (Thursday, for those of you playing the home game), long story short my dad made me take my car to Firestone, and now I owe more than $400 on a Firestone bill. It can never go smooth! I had my money stuff sussed, and now I'm waaaaay behind again. I can charge it, happily, but now I have to pay it off, and... things, like my ability to fly out west again this year, are definitely complicated.

In mood land, today was a bad day. Maybe because I overdid it and I had so many emotions during the whole car debacle, but by the end of the day it's like I just crashed, and I was so sad, sad like I'd swallowed a stone of sadness that just sat in my belly weighing me down. I think I've been doing better on the new meds, but the past several days I have been experiencing weird, unsettled, restless moods, and the sadness yesterday... I don't know. I don't know how to tell, and I'm tired of having to meticulously monitor everything I'm feeling and try to figure out exactly why I'm feeling that way. That's insane. Sane people don't do that.

I'm sorry. It's just been a lot, and I'm tired. I'm sorry.