don't let me go away

[carlyinrome]

 

Talked to Jenny about our respective ongoing mental crises. She is neck deep in depression and has been for ages, but has always been resistant to medication. My mind/mood is a mess; I am in a mixed state as a baseline, I think, bobbing from deep depression to  agitated and anxious and even up to manicky on and off. I feel super restless and somatically weird most of the time, like my body is wrong. I don't know how else to describe it.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not in any danger, I promise, but I get out of bed every morning thinking why? and every second feels like a fight. I'm going to that new neurologist in Nashville at the end of February; who knows, maybe she can help. Lucky number 13. They're talking about medical trials and monthly infusions, and I just hope I can endure it. My bipolar disorder, I don't know. My pdoc continues to push for more drastic options, and honestly my resistance to the ECT is wavering. I am afraid, because of how my cognition is changing these past few years and how I am losing parts of my mind and parts of myself even without the treatment, and if I have the treatment, will I still be able to write? How can I reach in and pull out memories I connections if that space is empty? But why am I living in this hell, useless, without trying what might be a cure?

Pray for me.

Comments

[elucidate_this]

I want so much to have comforting words and assurances that things will get better. I do not have those words but please know that I am in your corner. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

wrt ECT. I've had a few clients who had ECT before I started seeing them. Additionally I was in a day hospital program where some of my fellow clients had had ECT and when I was most recently inpatient (5 years ago? something like that) there was a woman who was getting ECT treatments while inpatient with me. Would it be helpful to hear about their experiences? I don't want to stress you out, but I know that for some folks info like this can be comforting.

[carlyinrome]

Since I'm still deciding whether to do it, yes, absolutely, please tell me about their experiences.

[elucidate_this]

Okay, so ECT has some serious cons but also some serious pros. The process of getting it is hard. The woman I knew during her treatments was exhausted and confused and seemed very very emotionally fragile. If you do get it be sure to be in a supportive environment whether that be inpatient or with your family. You will need a lot of care while it is going on.

In terms of after it varies but there are some patterns. Everyone I knew post-ECT had memory problems. Some of them were relatively minor, word recall etc. Some were more significant, chunks of memory forgotten etc. Some (but not all) of the people came out with a flat affect that didn't seem likely to go away.

The thing about ECT though is that works really fucking well. Everyone I know who had it was glad they'd had it. They were frustrated by the side effects for sure but they had lived for so long without hope and then this thing came along that restored their capacity for enjoying life. Even clients with super flat affects described positive change as a result of ECT.

So there it is, serious side effects but also highly probable mood change. Hope this info is helpful.

[carlyinrome]

Thanks for sharing this. I didn't know about the flat affect; get does not sound ideal.

[book_lover]

I don't have any words of comfort, but I do feel sure that there has to be a beneficial treatment out there for you. Maybe it's still in trials, maybe it will be discovered to be an off-label use of some medication. You never know. I want to say, "Don't give up hope," but that's not for me to decide, that's for you. However, I will tell you that it's possible to live without hope, just to grit your teeth and decide every day to survive, despite the odds. Tough, I know, but it can be done. I'm in your corner!

[carlyinrome]

Thank you. I love that you're in my corner. I appreciate you.

[book_lover]

<3 {{{HUGS}}}