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carlyinromeAnother exhaustive, highly-illustrated, discussion of a Val Kilmer movie. This time it's Batman Forever.
Val Kilmer was my favorite Batman when I was a kid. I want to say it's because Batman Forever was the best movie, or because he was the best actor, but it's probably just because he was the prettiest. It's comforting to know that I was even shallow(er?) as a child.
That said, it's probably been fifteen years since I saw this film (it came out in 1995, when I was ten). So for all intents and purposes, the entirety of my preconceptions going in was, "Val Kilmer's a hotass," and I think that's general knowledge.
Yes, let's start the movie with a shot of Batman's junk. It is a children's movie. (Don't read this as me not approving. Because I approve. I just assume that other people have higher levels of decorum than I do.) And while we're on the subject, there is just no way around this: the Batmobile looks like a big, electric dildo:
haha, Ed Begley Jr. AWESOME. He's always a good time; remember Transylvania 65000?
I know there's a big hullabaloo about how much better the new, Christian Bale movies are than these four, and it's true, they are, from a literary standpoint, much solider films. But I think there's a legitimate argument for these movies as campy and ridiculous. And they are campy and ridiculous. He crashes a helicopter into the Statue of Liberty, for Pete's sake:
I know there's a big hullabaloo about how much better the new, Christian Bale movies are than these four, and it's true, they are, from a literary standpoint, much solider films. But I think there's a legitimate argument for these movies as campy and ridiculous. And they are campy and ridiculous. He crashes a helicopter into the Statue of Liberty, for Pete's sake:
But they're fun to watch because they're campy and ridiculous, and you can tell all the actors are having a super time (even if they're clad head to toe in black rubber. That cannot have been comfortable.)
For a film of poor literary value, however, I was surprised by the number of times "two face" or "effaced" images showed up. Someone knows what a motif is!
I find it interesting that Kilmer plays the smartest Batman. His characters are almost always very intelligent; he often plays the smartest character in the film.
And he's a blonde. Hee.
(Vain side note: can I get a hey-ya for a blonde Batman? We need positive role models, and these dark-hairs have been hogging up our superheroes for too long. When will we have a blonde Superman. . . ? Probably about the time we get a black Bond, okay, perspective established. Moving on.)
I find it interesting that Kilmer plays the smartest Batman. His characters are almost always very intelligent; he often plays the smartest character in the film.
And he's a blonde. Hee.
(Vain side note: can I get a hey-ya for a blonde Batman? We need positive role models, and these dark-hairs have been hogging up our superheroes for too long. When will we have a blonde Superman. . . ? Probably about the time we get a black Bond, okay, perspective established. Moving on.)
I do like that, since he's Smart Batman, the costume department found it necessary to put him in big, 1990's glasses when he's not in the Batsuit. I'm sorry; as we have already determined, he is not Clark Kent. I think the enormous Batsuit, complete with full-head mask with friggin' ears is disguise enough.
HOLY CRAP LIEUTENANT TAO IN A SURPRISE CAMEO. AWESOME.
Omigod, Ed Begley Jr.'s suicide note has "Re: My Suicide" at the top. This is good ridiculous fun, people! Can Christian Bale offer you this?
I'm not a big Jim Carrey fan by any stretch, but he's strangely endearing as a psychotic lunatic.
Hmm. Val's a blonde; they've made Nicole Kidman blonde. You never see two blonde romantic leads. Never. They even lightened Jim Carrey's hair (though I believe he's meant to be a redhead.) Rare hair types are having a strong showing in this movie; I wonder if it's because they wanted to make Val look less like an outlier.
Knowing what I do now about aerial gymnastics, I find Robin's plotline to be even more ridiculous. To begin with, their last name is "Grayson." Is there a more American name? Is there a great American circus tradition that I am unaware of? Also, they're all huge to be aerialists. No wonder they fell to their deaths.
All these circus people are American. Seriously, folks; there are many things America does well, and frequently. Circusing is not one of them. Even all the people in our own circuses are foreigners. Deal with it. (Omigod, it's supposed to be a French circus? And they hired American acrobats? Unbelievable. I mean that literally. I am unable to believe it.)
I'm not a big Jim Carrey fan by any stretch, but he's strangely endearing as a psychotic lunatic.
Hmm. Val's a blonde; they've made Nicole Kidman blonde. You never see two blonde romantic leads. Never. They even lightened Jim Carrey's hair (though I believe he's meant to be a redhead.) Rare hair types are having a strong showing in this movie; I wonder if it's because they wanted to make Val look less like an outlier.
Knowing what I do now about aerial gymnastics, I find Robin's plotline to be even more ridiculous. To begin with, their last name is "Grayson." Is there a more American name? Is there a great American circus tradition that I am unaware of? Also, they're all huge to be aerialists. No wonder they fell to their deaths.
All these circus people are American. Seriously, folks; there are many things America does well, and frequently. Circusing is not one of them. Even all the people in our own circuses are foreigners. Deal with it. (Omigod, it's supposed to be a French circus? And they hired American acrobats? Unbelievable. I mean that literally. I am unable to believe it.)
I realize Bruce trying to tell Harvey that he's Batman was necessary so that you don't blame him for the Graysons' deaths, but that doesn't mean it tugs on my heart any less. It's his secret, the only thing he really has that feels genuine to him, but he'd give it up without thought on the slim hope that it will save lives.
I know that being Batman is hard and all, but he really has a terrible showing at the circus. He does not catch the bad guy. He does not take care of the bomb that's about to kill hundreds of Gotham City's elite. He does not stop the three inexplicably American acrobats from falling to their deaths. (He also did not get the girl, but since that isn't part of his job, we'll let it go for the time being.) I guess we need to establish Robin's potential as a crimestopper, but seriously.
How does this whole taking in Robin (who in this movie is like thirty years old, come on) work? I mean, I get that Bruce wanted to take Robin in because he felt responsible for his family's death, and because they're both these tragic orphans; I get that. What I want to know is how this worked out, legally? Is it like Madonna hopping down to Africa to pick out a son? "I'm Bruce Wayne, I have more money than God, I'm your daddy now?"
(I don't have proof, but I am positive that exact sentence appears in at least five Bruce/Robin fics.)
I know that being Batman is hard and all, but he really has a terrible showing at the circus. He does not catch the bad guy. He does not take care of the bomb that's about to kill hundreds of Gotham City's elite. He does not stop the three inexplicably American acrobats from falling to their deaths. (He also did not get the girl, but since that isn't part of his job, we'll let it go for the time being.) I guess we need to establish Robin's potential as a crimestopper, but seriously.
How does this whole taking in Robin (who in this movie is like thirty years old, come on) work? I mean, I get that Bruce wanted to take Robin in because he felt responsible for his family's death, and because they're both these tragic orphans; I get that. What I want to know is how this worked out, legally? Is it like Madonna hopping down to Africa to pick out a son? "I'm Bruce Wayne, I have more money than God, I'm your daddy now?"
(I don't have proof, but I am positive that exact sentence appears in at least five Bruce/Robin fics.)
Oral fixation. That is all.
This Bruce Wayne is a lot sportier than any of the others. Even Christian Bale's Batman, who goes on that crazy ninja quest thing, spends his time, at least as far as the public is concerned, getting laid and setting fires and stuff. This Bruce Wayne goes rock climbing and motorcycling, which is more in line with what I imagine Batman to actually be in his off-time. I mean, you don't sit around eating bon bons and bedding entire ballet companies all day, and then at night just suddenly go out and fight crime. I'm just sayin'.
I also think Bruce's "car museum" relates nicely to the Batmobile and all his other toys. Nice detail, campy, ridiculous screenwriters.
Oh no. Now that Edward Nygma has to be a Respectable Businessman instead of a Loveable Sociopath, they've darkened his hair. BAD FORM, BATMAN FOREVER. You Uncle Tom!
Are all Val Kilmer's movies about a man wrestling with his identity, trying to find out which of his personas he truly is? Seriously, I thought with Batman we'd be safe.
Why does Gotham's elite keep having parties if they're all crashed by crazy people with guns? I guess the rich really are different. Let's supplement this point with pictures of Val in a tux:
This Bruce Wayne is a lot sportier than any of the others. Even Christian Bale's Batman, who goes on that crazy ninja quest thing, spends his time, at least as far as the public is concerned, getting laid and setting fires and stuff. This Bruce Wayne goes rock climbing and motorcycling, which is more in line with what I imagine Batman to actually be in his off-time. I mean, you don't sit around eating bon bons and bedding entire ballet companies all day, and then at night just suddenly go out and fight crime. I'm just sayin'.
I also think Bruce's "car museum" relates nicely to the Batmobile and all his other toys. Nice detail, campy, ridiculous screenwriters.
Oh no. Now that Edward Nygma has to be a Respectable Businessman instead of a Loveable Sociopath, they've darkened his hair. BAD FORM, BATMAN FOREVER. You Uncle Tom!
Are all Val Kilmer's movies about a man wrestling with his identity, trying to find out which of his personas he truly is? Seriously, I thought with Batman we'd be safe.
Why does Gotham's elite keep having parties if they're all crashed by crazy people with guns? I guess the rich really are different. Let's supplement this point with pictures of Val in a tux:
I suspect that Nygma knew that Bruce Wayne was Batman from miles back, but it's never addressed in the text. I think it's more interesting if he does; I wish it had been more explicitly addressed.
I hope you're prepared for about twenty pictures of shirtless, slightly injured Batman.
I hope you're prepared for about twenty pictures of shirtless, slightly injured Batman.
Good God. I'll be in the Batbunk.
Why isn't young Bruce Wayne blonde? SERIOUSLY, folks.
Oh, hey, a different scene with shirtless, slightly injured Batman. (Though there's really no reason he should be shirtless here. I'm taking it as a sign of a benevolent god).
Why isn't young Bruce Wayne blonde? SERIOUSLY, folks.
Oh, hey, a different scene with shirtless, slightly injured Batman. (Though there's really no reason he should be shirtless here. I'm taking it as a sign of a benevolent god).
Alfred: "You really are quite bright, despite what people say." We've already been over how Val's Bruce Wayne is the smartest Batman. But seriously, why did it take him such a long damn time to figure out that Edward Nygma was a black hat? I mean, he knew before he even killed anyone that Nygma was up to no good. What, does Batman's mind only kick into gear when it's convenient to the plot?
Gratuitous ass close-up? Absolutely necessary. It's like I directed this. (I suspect Joel Schumacher spread all those rumors about Val because of his deep unrequited love.)
haha, now he's using physics to get himself out of a trap. Stupid indeed.
Okay, I take that back; he should have figured out that brain wave thing ages ago. Strike that; he did figure it out! Back at the Nygmatech party, he told Edward of his suspicions. Why are they acting like it's some novel occurence? Who edited this thing?
haha, now he's using physics to get himself out of a trap. Stupid indeed.
Okay, I take that back; he should have figured out that brain wave thing ages ago. Strike that; he did figure it out! Back at the Nygmatech party, he told Edward of his suspicions. Why are they acting like it's some novel occurence? Who edited this thing?
It is strange and exciting to see blue eyes looking out from the batmask.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Good God, that voice.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Good God, that voice.
Aw, he's happy at the end! That never happens! And he got the girl! This is such a positive development; the world needs more blondes! (We're a dying breed, you know.) Don't make fun. I am at full-tilt crazy and this shit is the only thing keeping me sane enough to be a Grown Up in the rest of my life. Also, yes, I realize that there are more pictures (just one, keep your cape on!) here than in the Doc Holliday picspam, but that's only because Val is shirtless so much more often as Batman. Also, Holly: I have rented Top Gun. So that's going to happen. Steel yourself.
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Date: 2010-10-03 08:50 pm (UTC)That sequence of Val's mouth + Val's glasses is definitely important to my overall understanding and appreciation of this masterpiece.
It was only a second or two onscreen, but my whole Me perked up.
"I'm Bruce Wayne, I have more money than God, I'm your daddy now?"
To be fair, that would work on me.
Well, yeah, me too. But I think I could be won over by an eyebrow wiggle.
This is a really excellent post and you should be very proud of it.
Thank you. This shit really is keeping me from toppling over the edge.
Although I have started a book detailing how Val Kilmerfest 2010 is keeping me sane-ish, which . . . I think may be the most compelling argument for my lack of sanity. Erm. *clings*
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Date: 2010-10-03 09:18 pm (UTC)Perhaps we should print t-shirts . . .
I am. It's like Girl Interrupted meets Julie and Julia meets Harvey. Or something. I don't know; I'm in that kind of super insane headspace where I can't tell if this is a great idea or, you know, a super insane one. I hope to have more perspective when I'm less crazy.
If it was illustrated, it would basically just be an enormous, glossy coffee table book entitled, Seriously, How Can You Not Want to Bang Val Kilmer? Also, it is probably already unpublishable, since I have conversations with several copyrighted characters. I am doomed to forever write solely for my own (and your, Val bless you <3 <3 <3 <3) amusement.
I don't knooooooooooooow. I hate not even being able to trust my own basic intuition about things.
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Date: 2010-10-03 10:31 pm (UTC)Well, I hope it's not totally impossible. It's the first thing I've actually felt engaged in writing since . . . probably since I wrote that Thunderheart coda. Maybe it's because I'm writing near-constantly for school, but it all just feels . . . dead and automatic, of late.
N.B. Every time you use that icon, I go insane trying to read the punchline. It's too little! What does he saaaaaaaaaaay?
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Date: 2010-10-04 12:33 am (UTC)You are one hundred percent correct, and I agree with you. It's just that this whole program is so insane about production; I feel like I have people screaming, "Get published already!" at me from all sides.
Of course, if it is publishable, I will have to watch Willow. :/
Hee.
I am on the DVD menu for Top Gun, and it's already the gayest movie I've ever seen.
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Date: 2010-10-10 11:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-11 12:18 am (UTC)Oh, no. I can't. When I was a kid, I saw something in the movie -- I do not remember what it was; I don't remember anything about the movie but the fear -- that scared the shit out of me. I'm serious; my dad had, like, a promotional Willow cup from Burger King or something, and the cup scared me so much that he had to get rid of it.
My childhood trauma: let me show you it.
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Date: 2010-10-12 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-12 07:04 pm (UTC)See, that, I have no idea. I literally remember nothing about the movie, except that I'm afraid of it. But I'm torn; you and Holly keep going on about how awesome it is, and I do want to see Val Kilmer playing with a sword. Maybe there's some kind of aversion therapy where I could watch it with a group in a safe space . . . :P
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Date: 2011-01-09 03:04 am (UTC)This just amused the shit out of me.
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Date: 2010-10-04 12:07 am (UTC)I was 15 when this came out and this deed for teen!me's libido what David Bowie in Labyrinth did for adolescent!Liz's libido.
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Date: 2010-10-04 12:29 am (UTC)It is a good mouth to have.
I know, right? Clothes hang on you like that and all you wear is turtlenecks?
Adolescent!Me had Kilmer. Teen!Me had David Boreanaz. So how did I end up mostly gay?
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Date: 2011-01-09 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-10 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-11 12:20 am (UTC)<3<3<3 Kilmer Batman <3 <3 <3
I like his interactions with Robin, but my BFF is actually dating an aerialist, so now I have all this Unbidden Knowledge.
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Date: 2010-10-12 02:35 am (UTC)If you ever wish to share your Unbidden Knowledge, I WOULD LOVE TO LISTEN.
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Date: 2010-10-12 07:03 pm (UTC)Oh, Lord, what do you want to know? This guy is from Ukraine; his entire family is in the circus business. When he was a kid, they traveled around from circus to circus in their car. When they got older, the kids went to honest to god circus school. He weighs about thirty-five pounds, but he's ninety-percent upper body strength. It's insane.