"top gun," or val kilmer's first time playing gay

[carlyinrome]

I am on the DVD menu for Top Gun, and it's already the gayest movie I've ever seen. One of these guys picked "Cougar" for their kickass flight name? LOL

It's wrong that my major thought here is that these assholes need to stop wasting my tax dollars pulling this frat boy shit in airplanes, right? Cuz you know what's super expensive? Airplane fuel. I guess I'm not the intended audience; I don't get the whole plane thing. Basically you're just sitting around; it's not all sexy or manly like swordfighting or anything. Hmm.

Lord, this whole disillusioned Silver Spoon asshole bucking authority thing is such a cliché. His name's even "Maverick," for Christ's sake. Jesus.

Oh, mama, there's Val in uniform. I take back everything bad I've ever said about this movie.

And he's doing the I need something to do with my hands thing. Is it getting hot in here?

Oh Lord, this script is so unclever. Let me go ahead and write the rest of it for you: For some reason, Val Kilmer is a pain in Maverick's ass forever, but Val is better than Maverick, so the rivalry actually spurs him to become a better pilot. Because of this, and probably something Super Manly that puts a lot of people's lives in danger, Maverick becomes #1 cadet or whatthefuckever. Along the way, he'll probably romance a blonde (not Val), and get hated on by The Man, even though he's a blue blood Navy elite and in reality they'd be wiping his ass for him even after he crashed three planes. Whoops, that's John McCain. You know, the other Maverick.

Holy God Jesus, there he is in dress whites. I feel like genuflecting.

If I was Charlie, I would have slapped Maverick about three times during his charming wooing.

SERIOUSLY. Why do guys like this shit? Let's look at Val for a moment to distract ourselves:

We are thirty minutes in, and I actively loathe the protagonist. Disregarding an order from a superior officer is called "insubordination," and it leads to getting you dishonorably discharged. I'm just sayin'.

LOL, he's a wild card and a maverick.

"You're the only family I've got. I won't let you down." AWWWW. Okay, Top Gun. Perhaps you're not all bad.

Volleyball is in no way badass. Not that I don't really appreciate the scenery.

LOL, Meg Ryan is Goose's wife. She's also Val's wife in The Doors. I think this marriage is probably easier on her.

"I'm Val Kilmer, there's no reason I should be wearing sunglasses in here because we're inside with the lights off, but hot damn do I look good taking them off."

I know Maverick is just Too Cool, but shouldn't he be learning things at flight school? I'm just sayin'.

It appears Val's entire contribution to this movie is snarky cutaways. I think he's only had two lines, and we're an hour in.

OMIGOD THAT IS NOT HOW WOMEN BEHAVE. I understand that Hollywood has a super-thick glass ceiling behind the camera, but for serious, could we not hire a technical advisor on the subject of the fairer sex or something? This is insulting.

Also, the pacing in this movie is ridiculous.

I wish they made clearer who can hear what over the radios.

"Damn, this kid is good." Sure. He is super ballsy and manly. A real role model. Also, this is the type of shit that gets soldiers killed.

I like that Val is saying everything I'm thinking. But I like more that he's saying it in a towel.

This is confusing. This movie clearly doesn't value outside morality -- or else Maverick couldn't be the hero, because he does things that are wasteful and vain and put peoples' lives in danger -- but they also haven't established any sort of internal morality. I need some kind of compass here, people! It is your job to tell me how I should feel about this. All I feel is annoyed.

Isn't Tom Cruise too short to be a pilot?

Wait, they killed that guy? This makes no sense. He wasn't doing anything reckless this time; it's like they got seventy minutes into the movie and thought, "Holy shit. We forgot to make plot happen. Better off somebody."

I am more invested in Maverick's relationship with Goose's wife than I am anything else in this movie. (Besides seeing Val Kilmer in a towel as often as possible.) I'm pretty sure that's not what the brass had in mind.

Look! There's Val Kilmer again for a snarky cutaway.

Oh, Val, I know how you feel. This movie is just. So poorly constructed. The dialogue is bad, there's no suspense or sense of momentum, enormous chunks of it just do not make sense. It's more like a really long trailer than a movie. And not only was it made, but it was made by a major studio, with major stars, for major money. How does this happen?

OMIGOD, it was based on a book? Are you serious? Did they just film, like, every other chapter?

God does he look good in that dress uniform.

LOL. Let me translate Ice's request to have someone other than Maverick as backup: "Sir, I'm very respectful of the power structure and protocol in the Navy, but I really don't want to be killed, so . . ."

Also, they have completely failed to make me feel any sort of rivalry between Maverick and Iceman. They hardly interact onscreen; how am I supposed to feel tension?

You know, this movie's almost over, and I still really do not understand who the bad guy is, or why they're doing so much routine business in hostile airspace.

And they're suddenly using miles as a unit of measurement, in the face of hundreds of years of military tradition.

Aw, he did learn something. It only took the inexplicable death of his only friend. BUT apparently he only learned that one thing. That was enough, evidently; the writers were fine with that. He's still a dick. Is that the moral? Even if someone dies, you should never stop being a dick?

Are they gonna make out now? SO GAY

It's become apparent that I will never sleep again. But I'm getting so much done! (And mostly I'm not talking about my Val Kilmer research project.)

Comments

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

There are more minutes in it than there are Nazis on the History Channel.

Omigod, I may never stop laughing. I love you so hard.

His, like, obsessive tendency to twirl pens or flip coins is the sexiest thing.

I. Know. And he can do that thing, rolling the coin over his knuckles? When I first saw Tombstone, I'm like, that's a double for sure, but the more I watch his manual dexterity the more I'm sure it was him. And that it was super hot.

When I first saw this movie (I think I was twelve), I thought all those guys singing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" was romantic, or something. And then I grew up and realized what a tenuous situation Charlie was in at that bar, and how if one of those guys had been a little nastier, a little more aggressive. . .

Yeah, I had never seen this movie before, and that shit straight up scared me. The way they have it shot, she's pinned against the bar, the only woman in this sea of testosterone-drunk Navy pilots, and several of them are basically hunting her. It's terrifying.

Isn't Tom Cruise too short to be a pilot?

Hee. Hehehehehe.

He just looks so little compared to everyone else!

Val in dress whites is probably the greatest thing the '80s ever gave the world, though.

I am . . . speechless. Absolutely, one hundred percent worth watching this piece of crap.

I am always pleased by how the awards ceremony looks more like a big gay wedding than anything else.

HAHAHA Omigod, that's exactly right! That's exactly it! Excellent.

It is hilarious to hear in the special features how much he hated - hated - doing this movie, and that "wingman" line at the end of the movie caused him actual physical pain; like, the scriptwriter and the director had to armtwist him into actually saying it. And then, I imagine, he and that guy who played Slider drank an entire case of wine.

I knew going in that he had been forced to do the movie, against his strenuous objections, because of contractual obligations to the studio, and in all honesty that was in the back of my mind as I watched it. He'd have to say something retarded, and I'd just, like, wince for him. I'm sorry, little whore actor. That totally sucks. And that line at the end . . . yeah. Is bad.

YOU DID NOT MENTION, however, in your great The Making of Top Gun picspam, that, "Val had this van that he lost his virginity in." !!!!!!

That is important information, Holly. I'm hurt you would keep it from me.

Hey, I only watched two of the six parts of the Making Of, the part where the actors talk about getting drunk and getting kicked off the airplane carrier and messing with Tom Cruise and stuff, and then the one immediately following it, which contained no Val Kilmer so I shut it off. Should I watch any of the rest of it before I give Blockbuster their masterpiece back?

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

Iceman and Slider cordially invite you to witness the joining of their life's missions to form a more perfect union. I mean, really: they are all over each other in this movie, and I get the rivalslash thing, I do, but those guys are basically married!

omigod, I am never going to stop laughing. In the special features, he kept saying that he was hugging and touching Val to make it seem like they had this great camaraderie, but honestly it just reads as gay gay gay.

Val isn't in much of the special features, so I would recommend returning the DVD so that others may experience the sublime, as you have.

Okay, thanks! I think Thunderheart is next. I'd like to do The Salton Sea and maybe The Ghost and the Darkness, but I am thus far unable to take caps from Netflix.

xoxo

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

Hello, dream job.

That's going on my CV.

YES THUNDERHEART SPAM. I am so excited. SO EXCITED.

I am EXCITED you are EXCITED. Probably I should spend my time doing grown up things instead of watching Thunderheart for the sixtieth or so time since I started the Kilmerathon (seriously, I just watched it on Thursday night), but I have my first Grad School Critique tomorrow morning and have made a command decision to spend the rest of the evening being juvenile to compensate. I am trying Doc Hollyday's patented Do What Makes You Feel Good and Don't Feel Guilty approach. More updates as events warrant.

*glom*

Also, if you like, I could upload The Salton Sea for you; the .mkv file I have is really good quality.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate it; apparently screencaps are vital to my ability to provide literary analysis. No need to rush, though; I have that download of Kill Me Again, plus DVDs of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Spartan, The Saint, and The Doors (which, no, I still have not even finished watching) to keep me busy in the meantime.

<3

Re: take two val kilmer movies and call me in the morning.

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

No; at SCAD that's called the 45 hour review, because they don't do it until you have forty-five class hours under your belt (so either this spring or next autumn I'll be doing it.) No, it's just a basic, in-class critique; it's on that TNR paper I wrote? It's totally not a big deal. Well, not a bigger deal than in-class critiques of my writing ever are, which is to say Huge.

I checked the boxes; Top Gun is 109 minutes; The Doors is 138 minutes. DAMN. No wonder I haven't been able to finish it. (The real reason is the crazy. Once Jim Morrison starts trying to set his wife on fire, the bloom really goes off that rose.)

Maybe my Thunderheart review will help. If you can get through it; I am seventeen minutes into the film and I have already written two full pages of text, never mind screencaps. I CANNOT STOP THERE IS SO MUCH TO GEEK OVER

Thank you! It is so nice having someone on whom I can always rely. <3

[lizrocks.livejournal.com]

I'm totally loving your recaps.

And WTF @ random Tom Skeritt in the background helping to fill the 80's giant mustache quota for the movie.

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

I am really happy to hear that, because you appear to be in the minority, and there are several more of these coming.

LOL, that's not Tom Skeritt, that's Viper.